


Happy is a place in the dark

by tyelperin



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Deep emotional connection, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 19:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5677699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyelperin/pseuds/tyelperin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Redemption. Not for Josh, but for Chris. For one year of neglect, for leaving Josh alone with his sisters' empty caskets.</p><p>Sometimes, you don't need to be told that it wasn't your fault. Sometimes you need to be forgiven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy is a place in the dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [robospookguetti](https://archiveofourown.org/users/robospookguetti/gifts).



> This work deals with guilt, if you find this triggering please proceed with caution.
> 
> Inspired by this [drawing](http://robospock.tumblr.com/post/132357464038/this-ones-for-ya-darling-because-tyelp-and-i) by [robospock](http://archiveofourown.org/users/robospock/pseuds/robospock), took too long to finish but here it finally is.
> 
> Special thanks to [parapines](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Parapines/pseuds/Parapines) for their beta work.

Chris found him in the mines, shivering in the dark.

Alone.

Terrified.

Screaming.

Sam and Mike went left. He didn’t want to be with them. He didn’t want to be with Mike, not after losing Josh out there. Chris has seen the wendigos, he has seen what they’re capable of. He has seen the bodies, and he’s so afraid. The wendigos have killed people, and they could’ve killed Josh. He knows that Josh might be dead. He hopes that he isn’t, but he can’t lie to himself.

Now, looking at Josh as he breaks down, Chris holds back his own tears. They can wait. Seeing him cry isn’t going to help Josh, if there’s even a way to help him at this point. Chris walks towards him, keeps his hands up and in front of him and when Josh’s eyes meet his he looks horrified, ready to run.

“Hey, hey Josh. It’s me, it’s Chris.”

His eyes are wild and as wide as they can get, and it’s awful. He’s alive, he’s alive but he’s gone. Chris can’t help him now. There’s no way to fix it. He let Josh down. Chris swallows, closes his eyes to stop himself from crying again. He has to keep trying.

“Josh, look at me. Please, Josh.” Chris grabs Josh’s shoulders, trying to be soft. Trying not to clench his fingers. He keeps saying it, over and over, and he doesn’t know for how long but he has to keep trying.

When Josh looks at him, really looks at him as if he’s just noticed that he’s there, Chris feels like throwing up. His eyes are so honest, they have always been, and there’s so much grief in them for Chris to see and feel. It’s so hard to look at him. It’s painful, but he has to endure. For Josh.

“Hey, cochise.”

Josh’s voice sounds like a scratch, weak and rough. Chris feels his throat tightening and his breath catching. It didn’t seem possible, he looked so far gone just a moment ago, but Josh is there, with him. Josh is looking at him, Josh is talking to him.

Josh flinches when footsteps approach.

Sam and Mike run to them, and Sam looks like Chris feels. On edge, lips pursed tightly together, anxious and sad. So sad. She stares at them, and glances at Mike while he walks towards Josh, steps firm. There’s something in his eyes, something that makes Chris step in front of Josh and right between him and Mike to stop him from getting too close.

He’s seen what Mike’s capable of doing in his grief, and it’s too much for Josh to bear.

“Josh,” Sam says, almost whispers. “Hannah…she…”

She looks away, and Chris can’t stop this. He could stop Mike, but he can’t stop Sam. And he knows, he knows that whatever Sam is going to say Josh must listen to. It’s only fair, he knows that. Of course he does.

But Josh has suffered so much already.

Josh grabs the sleeve of his coat as he takes a step away from Chris and towards Sam, doesn’t let go.

“Hannah was down here for…weeks? A month? She dug Beth up…” Mike stops her, and Chris feels Josh tugging on his sleeve. Chris looks at him, dreading what he can find, but he doesn’t seem to understand what Sam has said, not really. They ask if Josh has the cable car’s key, and seeing Josh giving it away without a second thought makes his heart ache. How could he let Mike tie him up and leave him alone, how is Chris going to be able to forgive himself for everything he’s done. If they make it out alive, how is he going to make up for this.

Mike boosts Sam out of the cave, and is leading the way out and into the room with the bodies when Josh starts tugging on Chris’ sleeve again for him to follow. Josh doesn’t let go of him while they’re crossing the room, muttering to himself, and stays close to him when they drop into the water.

Chris doesn’t feel like he’s breathing. The sound of them walking through the water is wrecking his nerves and he feels like they’re going to be dragged under. They’re going to die, even if he found Josh. It will be for nothing, because they’ll be dead and Josh will be dead too.

“Oh fu…!” Mike goes down and it happens so fast. Mike is nowhere to be seen and the wendigo has Josh.

Josh is screaming and Chris is frozen in place, his arm raised and towards Josh, and he hears Josh call it Hannah, he sees the tattoo, and for a second he thinks that she’s going to drag them away, but she drops Josh back to the water.  

When Josh hits the water, Hannah sniffs the air and leans into Chris. Her cloudy eyes are worse than the teeth, the way she looks without seeing. Without focus. Josh emerges by his side and Chris doesn’t dare to move while he stands, his breath coming in short puffs through his lips.

Hannah shrieks and it’s awful, it’s loud and eerie and it chills his bones. Josh clutches at his sleeve, grabs it again as if he never let go, while Hannah leans into them and clacks her teeth.

Chris is terrified. He can’t move, he can’t even blink. His heart is beating hard and fast in his chest and he swallows, glances at Josh before focusing on Hannah again and wondering how this is going to go down. Is she going to drag them to her cave? Will she keep them alive? Will she spare Josh, make him eat Chris and turn him into one of them?

She hisses, screeches. Shakes her head as if confused. There’s a shriek but it’s not hers, and she stands tall and sniffs the air. Hannah howls, a drawn out sound that echoes on the walls and Josh is trembling, Josh is crying.

Hannah dives under water. It’s too fast for Chris to see her moving, but she’s not in front of them and the water is moving. A trail of water rises, and she’s gone. Or so Chris wants to think. He doesn’t give himself time to wonder, though.

Chris tugs on his arm until Josh lets go of his sleeve and clutches his forearm, closes his finger so tight on it that he must hurt him but he doesn’t care. Not then. Not when they’re running, stumbling through the water. He pushes Josh out of it before he climbs out and looks for Mike. Says nothing to him when he steps out of the water from behind a rock. It can wait. They have to get out of the mines, and they have to get out fast.

They run. Chris has never run like this in his life, driven by desperation and fear. Josh runs with him, by his side, and Mike runs in front of them until they reach the lodge. Until they reach Sam.

The only thing Chris feels while trying to escape the wendigos that night is fear, dread. He’s terrified for himself, for Josh, for his friends. He runs, which seems to be the only thing he does, he runs and the explosion sounds very far away, even if the fire burns his face.

xXx

I will try and try to change  
But the list I made of changes to make  
It blew away  
_Try to change – Mother Mother_

Later, when he isn’t afraid to die and afraid to lose Josh, they’re at Sam’s and Mike is talking about how terrified he felt when Hannah was holding Josh and Chris can’t handle it. He snaps, stands in the middle of the room with everyone looking at him in wonder. Josh isn’t there. Hasn’t been with them since his parents got him home after the police questioned them.

Chris is wound up so tight, has been since that night. Since before that night. And he can’t stand it anymore.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU DO ANYTHING? WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU HELP?”

Mike’s eyes are wide, his jaw clenched. He looks away, at his feet.

“It wasn’t my fault…” he starts, but Chris can’t listen to that. Won’t listen to that. He’s vaguely aware of himself laughing, and it sounds so mirthless even to his ears that he winces. Mike does look at him then. There are tears in his eyes. Chris doesn’t care, not then.

“YOU THINK I WASN’T SCARED? YOU THINK I WASN’T FUCKING TERRIFIED? I…”

Chris can’t go on. He can’t. Everything he felt when Hannah was in front of him is back and he’s shivering, cold, hopeless and afraid. He crouches down, buries his face in his hands wishing his breath to keep steady, willing his tears to stay at bay.

Mike doesn’t try to talk to him again that day. They seem to get that there’s no way to make him feel better, and they don’t try to do anything until he gets back on his feet and sits on a chair by the window, keeping his back on them.

Later, when most of them have left, Emily approaches him and bumps his cheek with her fist. She’s stern, when she talks, intense.

“It wasn’t your fault, Chris.”

He doesn’t believe her.

xXx

 

He still calls Josh. He checks every day, every single day, if he can see him. He feels guilty.

He left Josh once; he’s not letting him down again.

But Josh's parents want him back to normal, whatever the hell they mean by that, and they won't let him step out of the house. Chris has been fighting to see him, has talked to the Washingtons and called them almost every day. But they won’t budge. He would knock down the door if he could, if he didn’t know that it would do nothing to help.

Chris feels powerless, defeated even before he’s been given a chance to try. He does have a life, he does go to class and work on college stuff, but it only makes him feel worse, frustrated. There Chris is, back to his life, when Josh is being held home to achieve the normalcy that his parents want. It isn’t fair, nothing has been.

He doesn’t think that he’ll ever learn to live with the guilt of what he did. Chris is unable to forgive himself, and nothing he does seems to be enough to quench the feeling. He hasn’t cried, no matter how hard he’s wanted to. Not yet, not when he hasn’t been able to see Josh after the rescue. Crying would mean closure, and he doesn’t deserve it until he sees him.

Almost two months have passed since that night, long and empty. But Robert Washington is calling him, at last. You can come and see him, he said, he’s lonely and he needs his friends. Chris sits on the floor of his apartment’s bedroom after hanging up, covers his face with his hands and tries to breath. He swallows the tears; he trembles and whimpers in the dark. He’s going to see Josh again, after all that time, at last. And it’s breaking him. What is he going to tell him? What is he going to do? Talking on the phone is easy, his calls are short and to the point. How are you feeling? When will they let us meet?

They’re easy, and even if he’s been waiting to see Josh for two months he doesn’t feel ready all of a sudden. But he has to. He needs to.

The drive to the Washingtons’ house is a blur. He’s distantly aware of the voice of the radio host, of the sound of the car’s engine, of his own breathing and the beating of his heart against his ribcage. It’s ok. Everything is going to be ok. He hopes it’s going to be. They’ve gone through so much, they deserve to have at least one thing ending up well.

Melinda Washington looks worn out, even if she manages to smile when she opens the door. She’s thinner than Chris remembers seeing her the last time they met, smaller.

“Hello, Christopher. Thank you for coming,” she says, stepping aside to let him in, and it’s not until his eyes catch hers that she lets her smile wavers, her lips trembling. Melinda pats his arm, squeezes for a second before letting go. “Josh is in his room. He’s waiting for you.”

He knows that she doesn’t want to hurt him, but her last words keep echoing in his head while he makes his way to Josh’s room. He’s waiting for you. For how long must have Josh been waiting for him since Hannah and Beth disappeared. How many hours, how many days and weeks and months did he spend waiting for more than a sporadic call.

Chris can see the door to Josh’s room, open. He can hear Josh walking inside, his steps, and it’s enough to make him stop thinking about it. It’s not the time, not today.

But he can’t walk.

He’s stuck in front of Josh’s door, far enough to not be seen or heard. He’s starting to breathe too hard, too fast, and he closes his eyes and clenches his fists. Not now, Chris. Not now. He’s waited for so long and now that Josh is there, just a few steps away, he has to rein it in.

Chris expects the walk to Josh’s room to feel like a lifetime, but it doesn’t. It’s over too fast, before he can brace himself for what’s to come and all of a sudden he’s at the door and Josh is inside.

Josh has his back to him. He’s standing in front of a desk, looking down, and Chris’ swallows when he sees his profile as he turns around. Josh notices him there and his eyes are opened wide, so honest, so full of the life that the mines swallowed. His lips curve in a wobbly smile, his hands raise towards Chris even if he doesn’t move his way.

The tears well up in his eyes and for the first time in months Chris doesn’t stop them. Feels them run down his cheeks into his chin as he walks to Josh, as he takes Josh’s raised hands and drops them to hug Josh to him. Chris’ arms are around Josh’s waist and he’s so thin. And Chris wasn’t there for him, but he’s right there. He can smell him, he can touch him, and he can cry on his shoulder and feel Josh’s tear on his neck. Hot, wet. Alive.

Josh hugs him, his arms around his torso and his hands clawing at his back, and his sobs are loud and wrecked. It’s been so long. Chris wants to say so many things at the same time and the tears don’t seem to be going to stop.

“I’m so sorry, Josh.” Josh shakes his head and his fingers dug deeper on Chris’ back. Chris is just. He’s so glad he’s alive, so happy to see him again, but he failed him. He failed him but he’s back, he’s here. He is.

“No, cochise. Shut up.”

Chris laughs, weak and restrained, and Josh buries his head on his chest. If Chris weren’t crying already he’d start crying then, with Josh trying to claw his way into his spine, so he says the only thing that makes sense to him after apologizing, the only words of reassurance that don’t feel fake and taste like dust.

“Good job coming back.”

They cry until their throats are raw, until their eyes sting too much to keep going. They have to talk, but letting go of Josh isn’t easy. Chris takes a step back as Josh’s hands drop to his own sides and takes his glasses off to rub his eyes with the palm of a hand. Josh sits on the edge of his bed and Chris puts his glasses back on before sitting by his side, careful not to sit too far. He can’t take that distance now, even out of courtesy. It’s too much.

The window is open and the sun shines through the room, over Josh’s face. The dark circles under his eyes make Chris’ stomach clench. Has he been sleeping? It doesn’t look like he’s been able to lately, and even if Chris can relate it’s still devastating.  

“They want me to be normal,” Josh starts, staring at his hands on his lap. “But I don’t think I can ever be.”

Chris is lost. What can he answer to that? He takes a deep breath, looks at his own feet while thinking about what to say. It’s hard, and he doesn’t want to let Josh down again. He won’t lie, but he can’t just say whatever. This is important.

“You…” he looks at Josh, but Josh is still frowning at his hands. “You are you. They shouldn’t want to change that.”

“I have tried being normal, you know? Talk about things that should worry me,” Josh sighs and finally, fucking finally, looks at Chris. His eyes are red and puffy, and his smile is so sad that Chris’ breathe catches in his throat. “Like, you know, sex and college and the future. That kind of stuff. Don’t know if I can keep trying.”

He shouldn’t have to. It’s not fair. He’s been thinking that a lot. Nothing seems to be fair for Josh, nothing seems to come easy to him. Even if he was open, and friendly, and charismatic, and made more friends than Chris in half the time. Josh sometimes talked to him about how hard it was for him, sometimes, how hard it was to keep going when all he wanted was to disappear. And now, after all that’s happened, Chris just wants to scream that he shouldn’t have to feel like that. That normalcy isn’t a goal. Just be who he is, that’d be enough. It has always been for Chris.

This isn’t about Chris, though, and he’s lost on what to say. What to do.

“You are enough,” he says, quiet and earnest, and Josh grabs his hand without a word. “You matter.” Josh’s fingers tighten around his. Chris looks at their hands, and at Josh. He’s not crying, Chris doesn’t think they have any tears left to shed, but his smile is less sad.

“I’m only saying this because…I think that you need it…” Josh whispers, pauses. Clenches Chris’ hand harder. “I forgive you.”

Chris didn’t know how much he needed to hear those words until he did, how heavy the weight on his shoulders was until it left. He can hear himself breathing hard, his heart beating in his chest. More alive than he’s felt since Hannah and Beth went missing.

Josh drops his head on Chris’ shoulder and Chris leans into him. They breath, together. Chris whispers thank you, Josh snorts.

Things aren’t going to be easy, of that he’s certain. They need time to adjust, time to get used to how their lives have changed. Their friends need their own time, too, to heal and to decide whether or not they want to talk to them. He doesn’t think that they’ll ever go back to how things used to be, and he doesn’t think of that as bad.

They are moving forward.

               

**Author's Note:**

> Robospock also drew [one of the scenes](http://robospock.tumblr.com/post/132531191258/bonus)!


End file.
